Becoming a surrogate for a loved one is one of the most selfless and meaningful gifts you can offer. Whether you’re considering this path for a close friend or family member, surrogacy within a personal relationship holds a special emotional significance. It’s a journey of hope and connection that can strengthen bonds and create life-changing moments.
However, it’s also a process that requires thoughtful preparation — legally, medically and emotionally. In this guide, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know to begin this extraordinary journey and help your loved one realize their dream of becoming a parent.
We’ll address the following:
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- What you need to know about surrogacy with friends or family
- Requirements to be a surrogate for a friend or family member
- The legal side: Why a contract is essential
- The medical process: What to expect
- How do compensation and expenses work when you’re a surrogate for a loved one?
- Managing the relationship during pregnancy
- The birth plan and post-surrogacy considerations
- Postpartum recovery and support
- So, is surrogacy for a friend or family right for you?
What You Need To Know About Surrogacy With Friends or Family
Before starting your surrogacy journey, it’s helpful to understand the different types of surrogacy and how they work, especially when you’re carrying a child for someone you already know and care about.
In gestational surrogacy, which is the most common method today, the surrogate is not biologically related to the baby. An embryo, created through IVF with the intended parents’ or donors’ egg and sperm, is implanted in the surrogate’s womb. This differs from traditional surrogacy, where the surrogate’s own egg is used, making her the biological mother. Due to legal and emotional complications, traditional surrogacy is now rarely chosen.
When you already have a strong, trusting relationship with the intended parents, it’s known as identified surrogacy. This has its perks — open communication, built-in trust and emotional support are often easier to establish. The intended parents already know you well, which can lead to a deeper sense of shared purpose and understanding.
But surrogacy within close relationships isn’t without its challenges. Shifts in relationship dynamics may occur as everyone adjusts to new boundaries and roles. Legal and financial matters, such as compensation and medical decisions, need to be discussed early on to prevent potential misunderstandings. Emotional strains can also arise throughout the process, especially as the pregnancy progresses and expectations come into focus.
Talking through these potential challenges and setting clear expectations from the start can help keep your relationships strong. And remember, you don’t have to do this alone — working with an experienced surrogacy agency can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate the journey with confidence and care.
Requirements To Be a Surrogate for a Friend or Family Member
Choosing to become a surrogate for someone you love is an incredibly generous act — one that can give the life-changing gift of parenthood. However, surrogacy is not without its challenges. To protect your well-being and ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy, there are several important medical and legal requirements to meet. Here’s what you’ll generally need to qualify to be a gestational surrogate:
- Age (21 to 38 years): To help reduce risks for both you and the baby, surrogates are typically required to be in this age range. Pregnancy risks increase outside these limits, so clinics and agencies prioritize your health by following this guideline.
- Previous Healthy Pregnancy: You must have carried and delivered a full-term baby and currently be raising a child. This shows that your body has successfully managed pregnancy before, which helps lower the chances of complications.
- Healthy BMI (Body Mass Index), Generally Under 30: Maintaining a healthy weight reduces the risk of complications like gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. Some clinics may allow a slightly higher BMI, depending on other factors.
- Healthy Lifestyle: You’ll need to have a lifestyle free from smoking, drug use or other high-risk behaviors. This ensures your body is in the best condition to support a healthy pregnancy.
- Psychological Stability: Surrogacy is a unique emotional experience, and it’s important to be mentally prepared for its challenges. Psychological evaluations help confirm that you’re ready to take on the emotional responsibilities of the journey.
- Residency and Appointments: You’ll need to live in a state with favorable surrogacy laws and be able to attend required medical and legal appointments throughout the process.
These requirements are in place to help protect both you and the intended parents during this extraordinary journey. If you’re unsure about your eligibility or want to learn more, a surrogacy agency or fertility clinic can provide personalized advice and guidance to support you every step of the way.
The Legal Side: Why a Contract Is Essential
When embarking on a surrogacy journey with someone you know and trust, it may feel unnecessary to involve lawyers and legal paperwork. However, a well-defined legal contract is not only mandatory in most cases — it’s essential to protect both you and the intended parents. This agreement ensures that everyone is on the same page regarding expectations, responsibilities and potential challenges, helping prevent misunderstandings or conflicts later on.
A surrogacy contract covers crucial aspects of the arrangement, including:
- Parental Rights and Responsibilities: The contract establishes that the intended parents will have full legal rights and responsibilities for the child. This protects everyone involved by clearly stating that the surrogate will not have any parental claims.
- Medical Decisions and Insurance Coverage: The agreement should outline how medical decisions will be made during the pregnancy and who will be responsible for medical expenses. This includes confirming that the surrogate has proper insurance coverage and specifying how any uncovered medical costs will be handled.
- Compensation (if applicable): If there is any form of compensation, including reimbursement for pregnancy-related expenses, the contract should detail these terms. This ensures clarity on payments, timelines and eligible expenses, avoiding confusion later.
- Plan for Potential Complications: Pregnancy can be unpredictable, so it’s important for the contract to address how certain complications — such as miscarriage, premature birth or other medical issues — will be managed. This includes financial responsibilities and decisions regarding healthcare.
Because surrogacy laws vary by state, both the surrogate and the intended parents should have separate legal representation to protect their individual rights and interests. This helps ensure that the contract is fair, legally binding and in compliance with state laws.
While it may feel formal or intimidating to navigate the legal process, having a strong contract in place offers peace of mind. It provides a clear framework for the journey ahead, allowing both you and the intended parents to focus on what truly matters: bringing a new life into the world with mutual trust and respect.
The Medical Process: What To Expect
Understanding the medical process of surrogacy can help ease any anxiety you may feel about the journey ahead. While every situation is unique, most surrogates will follow a similar series of medical steps designed to prepare their bodies for a healthy pregnancy and ensure the best chance of success.
Here’s a step-by-step look at what you can expect:
- Fertility Treatments and Preparation: Before the embryo transfer, you’ll undergo fertility treatments to prepare your body for implantation. This typically involves hormone injections and medications that regulate your cycle and help thicken your uterine lining to support pregnancy. You can learn more about surrogacy injections in this guide.
- The Embryo Transfer: The embryo transfer is a relatively quick, minimally invasive procedure that takes place at a fertility clinic. During the transfer, a fertilized embryo is placed into your uterus. For more details, check out our guide on how to prepare for embryo transfer and the embryo transfer process itself.
- Confirmation of Pregnancy: A few weeks after the transfer, blood tests and ultrasounds will confirm whether the transfer was successful. These tests monitor pregnancy hormone levels and early development to ensure that everything is progressing normally.
- Prenatal Care and Monitoring: Once pregnancy is confirmed, you’ll begin regular prenatal care, including check-ups, ultrasounds and other routine monitoring. These visits help ensure both you and the baby stay healthy throughout the pregnancy.
Common Concerns About IVF
Is the procedure painful?
Most surrogates describe the embryo transfer procedure as painless or only mildly uncomfortable. You may experience slight cramping during or after the procedure, but it typically resolves quickly.
How long does the process take?
The timeline can vary depending on your body’s response to fertility treatments and the success of the embryo transfer. Preparing for the transfer may take a few weeks, and if successful, the pregnancy itself will follow a typical nine-month term.
What happens if the first embryo transfer fails?
It’s important to know that not all embryo transfers are successful on the first attempt. If this happens, your doctor and the intended parents will discuss options for another transfer, which may require additional fertility treatments.
Throughout this entire process, surrogacy agencies and fertility clinics are there to support you. From medical preparation to emotional guidance, you’ll have a team by your side to help ensure a smooth and positive experience.
How Do Compensation and Expenses Work When You’re a Surrogate for a Loved One?
If you’re becoming a surrogate for a close friend or family member, talking about finances might feel awkward, but it’s essential. Even when trust and goodwill are at the heart of the arrangement, a clear understanding of compensation and expense coverage helps prevent misunderstandings and protects both parties.
Surrogacy typically follows one of two financial paths: altruistic or compensated. Here’s what you need to know about each option:
Altruistic Surrogacy
In altruistic surrogacy, the surrogate doesn’t receive compensation but is reimbursed for all pregnancy-related expenses. These costs include medical care, insurance and travel. This approach is common when the surrogate is helping a loved one, with the arrangement built on mutual trust and generosity. However, it’s still important to clearly define which expenses will be covered to avoid financial strain or miscommunication.
Compensated Surrogacy
In compensated surrogacy, the surrogate receives payment in addition to reimbursement for pregnancy expenses. This payment acknowledges the surrogate’s time, effort and the physical and emotional demands of carrying a baby. Even when the intended parents are friends or family, compensation may still be offered as a way to fairly recognize the surrogate’s commitment. The exact terms can be influenced by state laws, personal agreements and guidance from surrogacy agencies.
How Can You Avoid Money-Related Misunderstandings?
Discussing financial matters with friends or family can be delicate. Concerns might arise around compensation expectations, coverage of hidden costs or medical bills. To prevent conflicts, it’s essential to have open conversations early on.
Be clear about:
- What expenses will be reimbursed (e.g., medical bills, travel, lost wages)
- Whether any compensation will be provided and how much
- How financial emergencies, like complications, will be handled
Working with a surrogacy attorney is crucial. A legal agreement ensures that everyone understands their responsibilities and prevents future disputes. The contract should cover all financial terms, including compensation (if applicable), expense reimbursement and plans for unforeseen events.
How Do Agencies Help With Financial Matters?
If you’re working with a surrogacy agency, they’ll handle many of the logistical details, including scheduling medical appointments, managing reimbursements and ensuring insurance coverage is in place. Agencies act as neutral parties to facilitate payments and financial communication, making the process smoother and reducing the risk of misunderstandings between you and the intended parents.
No matter how close your relationship is with the intended parents, having clear financial agreements and legal protections will help create a positive, respectful experience for everyone.
Managing the Relationship During Pregnancy
When you’re carrying a baby for someone you care about, the emotional dynamics can shift in unexpected ways. This shared journey can bring you closer together, but it can also create challenges as both sides navigate new roles and expectations. Staying connected through honest communication and setting healthy boundaries is key to maintaining a positive relationship.
Check In Regularly
You and the intended parents may already have a strong bond, but pregnancy brings a whole new set of experiences to share. Regular check-ins, whether through texts, phone calls or meet-ups, help you stay on the same page and build mutual trust. These check-ins provide an opportunity to discuss how things are going physically and emotionally and to celebrate milestones together, creating moments of connection without anyone feeling left out or overwhelmed.
Finding the Right Balance Between Involvement and Space
One of the biggest challenges in surrogacy, even with loved ones, is managing the level of involvement. The intended parents may feel excited (or anxious) and want to attend every appointment, call frequently or ask for constant updates. On the flip side, they might worry about being too intrusive and pull back, which can make you feel unsupported. It’s all about finding a balance that works for both sides.
Here are some quick tips on setting boundaries:
- Be clear about expectations upfront. Have an open conversation about how involved they want to be and what feels comfortable for you. For example, you can agree on which medical appointments they’ll attend — perhaps they’ll come to key ultrasounds but give you space at routine check-ups.
- Communicate honestly. If things feel overwhelming or distant, speak up. Letting small frustrations build up can cause unnecessary tension, while clear conversations can prevent misunderstandings.
- Respect each other’s needs. Remember, you’re juggling pregnancy and daily life while the intended parents are managing their own excitement and fears. Patience and empathy on both sides can go a long way.
What if There Are Disagreements?
Pregnancy can stir up strong emotions, and disagreements may arise. Whether it’s about medical decisions or how often to check in, conflicts can be resolved with mutual respect and calm communication.
If you’ve worked with an attorney to create a surrogacy contract, many key decisions, such as who makes certain medical calls, are already outlined. This can serve as a helpful guide when conflicts arise. If tensions persist, a surrogacy coordinator or counselor can help mediate and provide advice on resolving differences.
The Birth Plan and Post-Surrogacy Considerations
The birth of the baby is the culmination of your surrogacy journey, but it’s also a time when emotions can run high. Planning ahead and establishing clear expectations for the birth and postpartum period can help both you and the intended parents feel prepared and supported during this life-changing event.
Creating a Birth Plan Together
A birth plan outlines what you and the intended parents want to happen during labor, delivery and postpartum care. It’s important to discuss these details in advance to ensure everyone feels comfortable and respected. Having a written birth plan can ensure medical staff understands your wishes and supports a smooth, respectful experience for everyone involved.
Here are some key questions to consider:
- How will labor updates be shared? Decide how and when updates will be communicated during labor (e.g., through a text or phone call from a designated support person).
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- What type of birth are you planning? Discuss your preferences for a vaginal birth, C-section (if necessary) or any other specific medical considerations. Are there particular medical interventions you want to avoid or prioritize, such as pain relief methods?
- Who will be in the delivery room? Decide who you’d like by your side for emotional support during labor. The intended parents may want to be present for the birth, but it’s also important that you have space to feel supported without added stress. Clarify the intended parents’ involvement — will they participate in activities like cutting the umbilical cord or supporting you during labor?
- Who will be responsible for medical decisions during labor and delivery? Outline who will make medical decisions if unforeseen complications arise. The surrogate typically has autonomy over decisions related to her own health, while the intended parents may have input on decisions affecting the baby.
- What are the immediate postpartum care expectations? Discuss how you’ll handle the first moments after birth. Will the intended parents hold the baby right away, or would you prefer a moment to say goodbye? Decide who will hold the baby first, where the baby will stay (e.g., a nursery or the intended parents’ room) and whether you plan to breastfeed or pump colostrum. Addressing these details in advance can ease anxiety and help everyone feel prepared for delivery.
- What will postpartum visits look like? Decide if and when the intended parents will visit you in the hospital after delivery and how much time you’ll spend together before discharge.
Postpartum Recovery and Support
After giving birth, your body and mind will need time to heal. Surrogacy adds unique emotional layers to the postpartum experience, which is why it’s important to plan for both physical recovery and emotional support. Here are some important things to consider when planning for postpartum:
Caring for Your Emotional Well-Being After Birth
Handing over the baby can stir a range of emotions — pride, relief, joy and sometimes sadness. Even though you knew the baby wasn’t yours to raise, the emotional impact can still catch you by surprise.
- Be Mindful of Your Emotions: It’s normal to feel a mix of pride and grief after birth. Allow yourself to process these feelings without judgment. For many surrogates, connecting with a support group or therapist can provide much-needed reassurance and understanding.
- Recognize the Signs of Postpartum Depression: Even in surrogacy, postpartum depression can occur. Symptoms may include persistent sadness, anxiety or difficulty finding motivation. If these feelings persist, seek professional help. Learn more about recognizing and managing these symptoms in our guide on postpartum depression.
- Seek Out Support: You may benefit from regular mental health check-ins, as outlined in our guide on surrogate mental health support. Surround yourself with a support system that understands your unique experience, whether through counseling, peer support groups or conversations with close friends and family.
- Focus On Closure: Finding closure is an important part of moving forward. Whether through journaling, reflecting on your role in helping your loved one become a parent or having a final discussion with the intended parents, take time to honor your journey. You can explore more strategies for emotional recovery with these tips for navigating the emotional effects of surrogacy.
Caring for Your Physical Health After Birth
Your physical recovery will be similar to any postpartum experience, including managing pain, bleeding and hormonal changes. Be sure to:
- Attend follow-up medical appointments and follow the guidance of your medical provider.
- Rest as much as possible and avoid strenuous activity for the recommended recovery period.
- Take care of your nutritional needs and stay hydrated to support healing.
Legal and Logistical Steps
Depending on the laws in your state, additional legal actions may be required to transfer parental rights fully to the intended parents. Your surrogacy attorney will guide you through this process, ensuring that all necessary documentation is completed.
Managing Expectations for Contact
One of the biggest questions post-birth is how much contact you’ll have with the intended parents and the baby. Some surrogates enjoy receiving updates and staying involved, while others prefer a more distant connection to focus on their own recovery.
To avoid misunderstandings, it’s important to discuss contact plans early. Agree on how often you’d like to hear from the intended parents and what type of updates you’d prefer (e.g., photos, emails, occasional visits). Remember to be honest about your needs. Your feelings about contact may change over time, and that’s okay. Keeping communication open will help maintain a positive relationship.
So, Is Surrogacy for a Friend or Family Right for You?
Becoming a surrogate for a loved one is a deeply rewarding act, but it’s not without its challenges. It requires thoughtful emotional, legal and medical preparation to ensure a positive experience for everyone involved. Open communication about roles and expectations helps strengthen relationships, while professional support from surrogacy coordinators and attorneys can ease the stress of the journey.
If you’re considering becoming a surrogate for a friend, Joy of Life® is here to support you every step of the way. We’re a leading surrogacy agency in California that helps surrogates and intended parents nationwide. Our team includes former surrogates, experts in the clinical, psychological and legal aspects of surrogacy and licensed nutritionists and psychologists offering emotional support. With the right preparation and help, you can move forward confidently, knowing you’re giving the extraordinary gift of parenthood.
Begin your journey with Joy of Life today and apply to be a surrogate using the form below!
Or, make a difference in other families’ lives and earn rewards by referring a friend for surrogacy.
*The information on this page was written or reviewed for accuracy by Joy Millan, founder and CEO of Joy of Life Surrogacy. Visit our about page to learn more about Joy and our wonderful team!
