Becoming a surrogate for a loved one is one of the most selfless and meaningful gifts you can offer. Whether you’re considering this path for a close friend or family member, surrogacy within a personal relationship holds a special emotional significance. It’s a journey of hope and connection that can strengthen bonds and create life-changing moments.

However, it’s also a process that requires thoughtful preparation — legally, medically and emotionally. In this guide, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know to begin this extraordinary journey and help your loved one realize their dream of becoming a parent.

We’ll address the following:

Key Takeaways

Identified surrogacy lets you carry for someone you know, but still requires legal, medical and emotional preparation.
Gestational surrogacy is the most common form today, where the surrogate is not biologically related to the baby.
Surrogates must meet certain criteria, including being 21-38, having a healthy BMI, having a history of healthy pregnancies and psychological readiness.
Legal contracts are essential, even with loved ones, to avoid misunderstandings about roles or finances.
Working with an agency like Joy of Life® helps navigate sensitive topics and ensures support throughout the process.

What You Need To Know About Surrogacy With Friends or Family

Before starting your surrogacy journey, it’s helpful to understand the different types of surrogacy and how they work, especially when you’re carrying a child for someone you already know and care about.

Gestational vs Traditional Surrogacy

Gestational surrogacy: This is the most common form of surrogacy today, where the surrogate is not biologically related to the baby. An embryo, created through IVF with the intended parents’ or donors’ egg and sperm, is implanted in the surrogate’s womb.
Traditional surrogacy: This form of surrogacy is where the surrogate’s own egg is used, making her the biological mother. Due to legal and emotional complications, traditional surrogacy is now rarely chosen.

When you already have a strong, trusting relationship with the intended parents, it’s known as identified surrogacy. This has its perks, as an existing relationship makes it easier to build trust, establish open communication and provide emotional support. The intended parents already know you well, which can lead to a deeper sense of shared purpose and understanding.

Potential Challenges in Close Relationships

Surrogacy within close relationships can introduce unexpected emotional complexities. As the process unfolds, you and the intended parents may need to navigate new expectations and evolving roles. Consider the following:

Shifting relationship dynamics: Roles may evolve during pregnancy, requiring new boundaries and expectations between you and the intended parents.
Legal and financial clarity: Compensation, medical decisions and other logistical matters should be discussed early and documented to avoid misunderstandings later.
Emotional complexity: Surrogacy can be emotionally intense. Even strong relationships may face strain as the pregnancy progresses and everyone processes the experience differently.
Maintaining open communication: Honest, respectful conversations throughout the journey are key to preserving the relationship and managing expectations.

Talking through these potential issues and setting clear expectations from the start can help keep your relationships strong. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone; working with an experienced surrogacy agency can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate the journey with confidence and care.

Requirements To Be a Surrogate for a Friend or Family Member

Two smiling women holding up an ultrasound image of a baby, celebrating a pregnancy.

To protect your well-being and ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy, there are several important medical and legal requirements to meet. Here’s what you’ll generally need to qualify to be a gestational surrogate:

Age (21 to 38 years): To help reduce risks for both you and the baby, surrogates are typically required to be in this age range. Pregnancy risks increase outside these limits, so clinics and agencies prioritize your health by following this guideline.
Previous Healthy Pregnancy: You must have carried and delivered a full-term baby and currently be raising a child. This shows that your body has successfully managed pregnancy before, which helps lower the chances of complications.
BMI (Body Mass Index) Under 30: Maintaining a healthy weight reduces the risk of complications like gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. Some clinics may allow a slightly higher BMI, depending on other factors.
Healthy Lifestyle: You’ll need to have a lifestyle free from smoking, drug use or other high-risk behaviors. This ensures your body is in the best condition to support a healthy pregnancy.
Psychological Stability: Surrogacy is a unique emotional experience, and it’s important to be mentally prepared for challenges. Psychological evaluations help confirm that you’re ready to take on the emotional responsibilities of the journey.
Residency and Appointments: You’ll need to live in a state with favorable surrogacy laws and be able to attend required medical and legal appointments throughout the process.

The Legal Side: Why a Contract Is Essential

When embarking on a surrogacy journey with someone you know and trust, it may feel unnecessary to involve lawyers and legal paperwork. However, a well-defined legal contract is not only mandatory in most cases — it’s essential to protect both you and the intended parents. This agreement ensures that everyone is on the same page regarding expectations, responsibilities and potential challenges, helping prevent misunderstandings or conflicts later on.

A surrogacy contract covers crucial aspects of the arrangement, including:

Parental Rights and Responsibilities: The contract establishes that the intended parents will have full legal rights and responsibilities for the child. This protects everyone involved by clearly stating that the surrogate will not have any parental claims.
Medical Decisions and Insurance Coverage: The agreement should outline how medical decisions will be made during the pregnancy and who will be responsible for medical expenses. This includes confirming that the surrogate has proper insurance coverage and specifying how any uncovered medical costs will be handled.
Compensation (if applicable): If there is any form of compensation, including reimbursement for pregnancy-related expenses, the contract should detail these terms. This ensures clarity on payments, timelines and eligible expenses, avoiding confusion later.
Plan for Potential Complications: Pregnancy can be unpredictable, so it’s important for the contract to address how certain complications — such as miscarriage, premature birth or other medical issues — will be managed. This includes financial responsibilities and decisions regarding healthcare.

Because surrogacy laws vary by state, both the surrogate and the intended parents should have separate legal representation to protect their individual rights and interests. This helps ensure that the contract is fair, legally binding and in compliance with state laws.

While it may feel formal or intimidating to navigate the legal process, having a strong contract in place offers peace of mind. It provides a clear framework for the journey ahead, allowing both you and the intended parents to focus on what truly matters: bringing a new life into the world with mutual trust and respect.

The Medical Process: What To Expect

Close-up of a person administering an IVF injection into their abdomen.

Understanding the medical process of surrogacy can help ease any anxiety you may feel about the journey ahead. While every situation is unique, most surrogates will follow a similar series of medical steps designed to prepare their bodies for a healthy pregnancy and ensure the best chance of success.

Here’s a step-by-step look at what you can expect:

Fertility Treatments and Preparation: Before the embryo transfer, you’ll undergo fertility treatments to prepare your body for implantation. This typically involves hormone injections and medications that regulate your cycle and help thicken your uterine lining to support pregnancy. You can learn more about surrogacy injections in this guide.
The Embryo Transfer: The embryo transfer is a relatively quick, minimally invasive procedure that takes place at a fertility clinic. During the transfer, a fertilized embryo is placed into your uterus.
Confirmation of Pregnancy: A few weeks after the transfer, blood tests and ultrasounds will confirm whether the transfer was successful. These tests monitor pregnancy hormone levels and early development to ensure that everything is progressing normally.
Prenatal Care and Monitoring: Once pregnancy is confirmed, you’ll begin regular prenatal care, including check-ups, ultrasounds and other routine monitoring. These visits help ensure both you and the baby stay healthy throughout the pregnancy.

Throughout this entire process, surrogacy agencies and fertility clinics are there to support you. From medical preparation to emotional guidance, you’ll have a team by your side to help ensure a smooth and positive experience.

How Do Compensation and Expenses Work When You’re a Surrogate for a Loved One?

If you’re becoming a surrogate for a close friend or family member, talking about finances might feel awkward, but it’s essential. Even when trust and goodwill are at the heart of the arrangement, a clear understanding of compensation and expense coverage helps prevent misunderstandings and protects both parties.

Surrogacy typically follows one of two financial paths: altruistic or compensated. Here’s what you need to know about each option:

Altruistic Surrogacy

In altruistic surrogacy, the surrogate doesn’t receive compensation but is reimbursed for all pregnancy-related expenses. These costs include medical care, insurance and travel. This approach is common when the surrogate is helping a loved one, with the arrangement built on mutual trust and generosity. However, it’s still important to clearly define which expenses will be covered to avoid financial strain or miscommunication.

Compensated Surrogacy

In compensated surrogacy, the surrogate receives payment in addition to reimbursement for pregnancy expenses. This payment acknowledges the surrogate’s time, effort, and the physical and emotional demands of carrying a baby. Even when the intended parents are friends or family, compensation may still be offered as a way to fairly recognize the surrogate’s commitment. The exact terms can be influenced by state laws, personal agreements and guidance from surrogacy agencies.

How Can You Avoid Money-Related Misunderstandings?

Discussing financial matters with friends or family can be delicate. Concerns might arise around compensation expectations, coverage of hidden costs or medical bills. To prevent conflicts, it’s essential to have open conversations early on.

Be clear about:

What expenses will be reimbursed (e.g., medical bills, travel, lost wages)
Whether any compensation will be provided, and how much
How financial emergencies will be handled

Working with a surrogacy attorney is crucial. A legal agreement ensures that everyone understands their responsibilities and prevents future disputes. The contract should cover all financial terms, including compensation (if applicable), expense reimbursement and plans for unforeseen events.

How Do Agencies Help With Financial Matters?

If you’re working with a surrogacy agency, they’ll handle many of the logistical details, including scheduling medical appointments, managing reimbursements and ensuring insurance coverage is in place. Agencies like Joy of Life® act as neutral parties to facilitate payments and financial communication, making the process smoother and reducing the risk of misunderstandings between you and the intended parents.

No matter how close your relationship is with the intended parents, having clear financial agreements and legal protections will help create a positive, respectful experience for everyone.

Ready to Help Someone You Love Grow Their Family?

At Joy of Life®, we work closely with both surrogates and intended parents to set clear expectations around compensation and coverage. Our experienced team helps take the pressure off emotionally sensitive topics like money and medical decisions by making sure everything is thoughtfully discussed and honored throughout the journey.

Supporting someone you love through surrogacy? Apply to be a surrogate with Joy of Life® and help bring your loved one’s dream of parenthood to life.

Managing the Relationship During Pregnancy

Pregnant woman showing ultrasound images to two intended parents while sitting in a living room.

When you’re carrying a baby for someone you care about, the emotional dynamics can shift in unexpected ways. This shared journey can bring you closer together, but it can also present challenges as both sides navigate new roles and expectations. Staying connected through honest communication and setting healthy boundaries is key to maintaining a positive relationship.

Check In Regularly

Regular check-ins, whether through texts, phone calls or meet-ups, help you stay on the same page and build mutual trust. These check-ins provide an opportunity to discuss how things are going physically and emotionally and to celebrate milestones together, creating moments of connection without anyone feeling left out or overwhelmed.

Finding the Right Balance Between Involvement and Space

One of the biggest hurdles in surrogacy, even with loved ones, is managing the level of involvement. The intended parents may feel excited (or anxious) and want to attend every appointment, call frequently or ask for constant updates. On the flip side, they might worry about being too intrusive and pull back, which can make you feel unsupported. It’s all about finding a balance that works for both sides.

Here are some quick tips on setting boundaries:

Be clear about expectations upfront. Have an open conversation about how involved they want to be and what feels comfortable for you. For example, you can agree on which medical appointments they’ll attend — perhaps they’ll come to key ultrasounds but give you space at routine check-ups.
Communicate honestly. If things feel overwhelming or distant, speak up. Letting small frustrations build up can cause unnecessary tension, while clear conversations can prevent misunderstandings.
Respect each other’s needs. Remember, you’re juggling pregnancy and daily life while the intended parents are managing their own excitement and fears. Patience and empathy on both sides can go a long way.

What if There Are Disagreements?

Pregnancy can stir up strong emotions, and disagreements may arise. Whether it’s about medical decisions or how often to check in, conflicts can be resolved with mutual respect and calm communication.

If you’ve worked with an attorney to create a surrogacy contract, many key decisions, such as who makes certain medical calls, are already outlined. This can serve as a helpful guide when conflicts arise. If tensions persist, a surrogacy coordinator or counselor can help mediate and provide advice on resolving differences.

The Birth Plan and Post-Surrogacy Considerations

The birth of the baby is the culmination of your surrogacy journey, but it’s also a time when emotions can run high. Planning ahead and establishing clear expectations for the birth and postpartum period can help both you and the intended parents feel prepared and supported during this life-changing event.

Creating a Birth Plan Together

A birth plan outlines what you and the intended parents want to happen during labor, delivery and postpartum care. It’s important to discuss these details in advance to ensure everyone feels comfortable and respected.

Here are some key questions to consider:

How will labor updates be shared? Decide how and when updates will be communicated during labor (e.g., through a text or phone call from a designated support person).
What type of birth are you planning? Discuss your preferences for a vaginal birth, C-section (if necessary) or any other specific medical considerations. Are there particular medical interventions you want to avoid or prioritize, such as pain relief methods?
Who will be in the delivery room? Decide who you’d like by your side for emotional support during labor. The intended parents may want to be present for the birth, but it’s also important that you have space to feel supported without added stress. Clarify the intended parents’ involvement — will they participate in activities like cutting the umbilical cord or supporting you during labor?
Who will make medical decisions during labor and delivery? Even with close bonds, legal and medical authority should be clear. The surrogate typically has autonomy over decisions related to her own health, while the intended parents may have input on decisions affecting the baby.
What are the immediate postpartum care expectations? Discuss how you’ll handle the first moments after birth. Will the intended parents hold the baby right away, or would you prefer a moment to say goodbye? Decide who will hold the baby first, where the baby will stay (e.g., a nursery or the intended parents’ room) and whether you plan to breastfeed or pump colostrum. Addressing these details in advance can ease anxiety and help everyone feel prepared for delivery.
What will postpartum visits look like? Decide if and when the intended parents will visit you in the hospital after delivery and how much time you’ll spend together before discharge.
Honor both your roles — surrogate and friend. You might want to share in the joy of the moment while also preserving space for your own recovery. A thoughtful birth plan helps you balance both with clarity and compassion.

Postpartum Recovery and Support

Close-up of two women holding hands, offering comfort and support.

The postpartum period is physically and emotionally intense for any surrogate, but when the baby belongs to someone you love, those emotions can feel even more complex. Here are some important things to consider when planning for postpartum:

Caring for Your Emotional Well-Being After Birth

Handing over the baby can stir a range of emotions — pride, relief, joy and sometimes sadness. Even though you knew the baby wasn’t yours to raise, the emotional impact can still catch you by surprise.

Be Mindful of Your Emotions: It’s normal to feel a mix of pride and grief after birth. These feelings can be amplified when you’re close to the intended parents and will remain part of the child’s life in some capacity. For many surrogates, connecting with a support group or therapist can provide much-needed reassurance and understanding.
Recognize the Signs of Postpartum Depression: Even in surrogacy, postpartum depression can occur. Symptoms may include persistent sadness, anxiety or difficulty finding motivation. If these feelings persist, seek professional help.
Seek Out Support: When the intended parents and the child are part of your everyday life, it’s even more important to have mental health check-ins. Surround yourself with a support system that understands your unique experience, whether through counseling, peer support groups or conversations with other close friends and family.

Caring for Your Physical Health After Birth

Your physical recovery will be similar to any postpartum experience, including managing pain, bleeding and hormonal changes. Be sure to:

Attend follow-up medical appointments and follow the guidance of your medical provider.
Rest as much as possible and avoid strenuous activity for the recommended recovery period.
Take care of your nutritional needs and stay hydrated to support healing.

Legal and Logistical Steps

Depending on the laws in your state, additional legal actions may be required to transfer parental rights fully to the intended parents. Your surrogacy attorney will guide you through this process, ensuring that all necessary documentation is completed.

Boundaries After Birth

Unlike most surrogacies, you and the intended parents likely won’t go your separate ways after the baby is born. You’ll likely see each other at holidays, school events or in daily life. That makes clear boundaries even more important.

Talk about your ongoing role ahead of time. Will you be a godparent, an “aunt” or simply a close family friend? Are regular updates expected?
Normalize shifting feelings. You may want more contact than expected or less. Either way, it’s okay to speak up as those needs change.
Create space for both connection and closure. A final shared moment after birth, a thank-you letter or even a “closing” ritual can help everyone move forward with clarity and care.

So, Is Being a Surrogate for a Friend or Family Member Right for You?

It requires thoughtful emotional, legal and medical preparation to ensure a positive experience for everyone involved. Open communication about roles and expectations helps strengthen relationships, while professional support from surrogacy coordinators and attorneys can ease the stress of the journey.

Joy of Life® is a leading surrogacy agency in California that helps surrogates and intended parents nationwide. Our team includes former surrogates and experienced professionals who guide you through every clinical, legal, and emotional aspect of the surrogacy journey. With the right preparation and help, you can move forward confidently, knowing you’re giving the extraordinary gift of parenthood.

Begin your journey with Joy of Life today and apply to be a surrogate!

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Key Takeaways